if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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