what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
