God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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