His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
