I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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