On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
