you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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