gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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