No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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