I just gift wrapped bread.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
