I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
