$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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