i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
