youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
