And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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