dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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