There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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