What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash