you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
