apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
