Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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