the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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