Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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