turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
