Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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