She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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