i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Damn victory sex feels great
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
