So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
