we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
