One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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