im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
