we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My ass is underappreciated
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
