I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
