Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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