It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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