i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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