Pants 0. Shit 1.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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