just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
