Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Drunk is not a location!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
