yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
