Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
