When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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