I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
