Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
