your room smells of hookers.
And success
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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