That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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