I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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