well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
