why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
