I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
