I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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