there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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