I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
