May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
