a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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