time to smoke my breakfast
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
