Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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