yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
