He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
