White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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