like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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