I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i drank out of a bidet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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